In this blog I want to write something about Toxic Relationships. The word toxic can easily be replaced by the word ‘poisonous’. But the word relationships is more complex because you can have relationships with people in many different ways: A relationship with your partner, your children, your family, your friends, your neighbours, your colleagues and even go so far to say a relationship with someone perhaps in a shop or a petrol station. Anyone in fact when it concerns a situation that you both know one another and see one another regularly.
Internet says when it concerns partners:
By definition, a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner. … A toxic relationship is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control.
But as is always the case in the world as we know it, said relationships can either finish, become less, change and even go so far as to become toxic. I mean this in the way that they affect you personally. The effect can in turn take on many forms, either make you sad, depressed, give you stress or come to the point that it can take the form of an obsession. The mere mention of a name brings everything to the surface once again. Good or bad.
So what can you do if this happens to you? Over the past few weeks I have been learning a lot from several online courses in which I am participating and I have discovered that one of the biggest things that can influence our health and general well being is: Stress.
So if relationships become stressful, then eventually the stress can have very negative effects on your actual physical body. We all know that cells have memories; so said memory remains in the cells and eventually they cannot work properly. This is of course in very extreme circumstances. For example: Say if you are living with someone who abuses you physically. You regularly get knocked about. but from fear you hide yourself away and don’t talk about it. Because you know if you do, then the abuse will continue and become even worse. Your whole being begins to take on a new ‘you’ because you are suppressing so many negative things. The pain, the fact that someone stoops so low as to do this to you, you begin to blame yourself, your self esteem becomes less and less, you shut yourself off from family, friends and loved ones mainly because of shame. And there are also the physical effects of said abuse. This is a toxic relationship without any shadow of doubt and an extreme example.
A toxic relationship can also be about someone who constantly talks about you behind your back, stirs up feeling of animosity about you with others, tells lies and fabrications about you. In the end (because we all know that someone always feels the need to tell us) you become angrier and angrier. Your first instinct is to avoid them, hope that you do not meet them under any circumstances, but this does not stop them. Your anger can reach such a pitch that you begin to obsess about them and subject yourself to more and more stress. And as said above, the stress affects you in many ways. From stopping you sleeping at night, not eating properly and generally not taking care of yourself.
The thing about a toxic relationship in whatever form it takes, means that there is only one thing to do and that is sever the relationship. Do this in such a way, that you ensure you break away completely from it.
In the example of abuse given above, you have to seek professional help and leave. Either you or the abuser. This is serious.
The other example I mentioned is easier to deal with and being a writer I often find that actually writing things down makes it easier for me personally. It is as if the words literally take the problem away.
Quite by chance this week I came across a wonderful quote on social media, which says:
This actually made me laugh out aloud! It is genuinely funny but behind the humour there is some truth of course.
It was if it was a signal for me to get on with something I started earlier in the week and do what my original plan was. What a coincidence (or not) that this subject came up in my online course as well. The advice in the course was to do everything I could to end this toxic relationship for my own well-being.
Now when I write things, I am of course the person who chops and changes the sentences all the time but at a certain moment, the story was ready.
So what was my answer to the quote above? … email to the person concerned.
I can only tell you that as I paused to press the button ‘send’ a final moment of doubt crossed my mind, shall I or not? In my mind I suddenly heard the words from my course and instantly pressed ‘send’.
It was then as if a huge dark black stone like ball left my body. It came up through my body and out of my head and exploded way above me like a firework. I suddenly felt free and in control once more.
I have decided under no circumstances will I ever speak this person’s name again. A bit like ‘he who will not be named’ in the Harry Potter books, but in my case this ‘he’ is a ‘she’.
So my advice to you is, if you have someone in your life who is involving you in a toxic relationship which you want to end, do not hesitate a second longer. Find a way, which suits your own particular circumstance, and end it once and for all.
Believe me it’s worth it. Because you are worth it. You need and have to come back into your own power, which means looking after yourself in the best possible way. Taking care of your body, your mind and your spirit.
Stop it once and for all and then relax, breathe and step into a new moment.
Images: Tiny Buddha.com and Google